Saturday, August 26, 2006

Word's Top 10 Expensive Cars

Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)
Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)
Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)
Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)
Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)
Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)
Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)
Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)
Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)
Word's Top 10  Expensive Cars (Photo)

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Funny Stories

Ultimate Divorce Letter

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-wife


***********************


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica .

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Harry

Harry went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Harry.

Six months later the doctor met Harry on the street."Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!"

Thursday, August 10, 2006

You Know You are an Indian When :)

*Your house smells like fried onions.

*When you tell your parents you got 98% marks in an exam, and they ask you what happened to the other two percent.

*You make tea in a saucepan.

*You never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it.

*You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobe.

*You have a 'Singer' sewing machine at home.

*Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.

*You call an older person you've never met before "uncle".

*You hide everything from your parents.

*Your mother does everything for you if you are male.

*You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.

*Your relatives alone could populate a small city.

*Everyone is a family friend.

*You study medicine or engineering at university.

*You were not that intelligent so you studied Computer science or business instead. (hey!!)

*You know no one who has studied music.

*You went to a university as far away from home as possible.

*You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.

*You only make telephone calls after 6:30 PM.

*You like the meat well done.

*You eat onions with everything.

*You use chilly sauce instead of tomato ketchup.

*You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

*You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) hem with your parents.

*You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.

*You order Indian food in English language to impress the people you're with but the waiters don't understand you.

*You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex.

*You secure your baggage with a rope.

*You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all possible members of your family who have come to pick you up.

*You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight.

*You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member of the royal family.

*You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles just to get to school.

*You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go.

*In addition to cooking, you also use oil as a grooming aid.

*You wonder how odd it would be to see your parents get within one foot of each other.

*You have annoying nicknames.

*Your parents call all your friends "Beta".

*Your mother measures wealth only in gold and diamonds.

*Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try to demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.

*Your parents compare you to all of their friends' kids.

*If you are living abroad, at least once a week your mom says, "I want to go back to India"

*No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.

*Your parents worry what other people will think if you're not going to be a doctor or engineer.

*While living abroad, your parents always say, "It's cheaper in India."

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Photoshop Images Horrible Pictures

What is it?

What is it
What is it

See more pictures here http://www.animals.vaty.net/

Some fun jokes to entertain with

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”


~~

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’


~~

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!


~~

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”


~~

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

Monday, July 24, 2006

crazyfuns.ru collection







See more funny pictures on http://crazyfuns.ru/

Winner passes out at Miss Universe

Australia's Erin McNaught bombed out and the eventual winner passed out during a dramatic 2006 Miss Universe pageant in Los Angeles.

McNaught's Miss Universe dreams ended in just 29 minutes inside Los Angeles' historic Shrine Auditorium.

The 24-year-old Brisbane-born brunette had survived a topless photo scandal and was the equal favourite to wear the $US20,000 Mikimoto pearl tiara, but she failed to make the first cut.


When the Miss Universe judges announced its top 20, McNaught was left standing at the rear of the stage with 66 other contestants who were also out of the running.

Puerto Rico's Zuleyka Rivera, an 18-year-old who hopes to be an actress, went on to win the 2006 Miss Universe crown, ahead of first runner-up Miss Japan, Kurara Chibana.

Rivera, dressed in a chain-link dress fitted so tightly she had trouble walking up the stairs on the stage during the ceremony, began her reign in dramatic style.

Just minutes after claiming her crown when she fainted at her post victory press conference.

The tight dress was blamed.

"She's OK. She's fine," said pageant representative Lark Anton.

"She got dizzy. Its very hot up here. Her dress is tight, as you could see it was beaded and heavy ... She passed out."

Before her dramatic collapse, Rivera could not believe she was victorious.

"I always had faith and confidence in myself, but I never knew I was going to win," Rivera said.

Australia's McNaught was not so talkative.

After the ceremony she declined to be interviewed.

"No, sorry," she told AAP.

Australian Miss Universe officials in LA for the event and the American organisers were shocked McNaught failed to make the top 20.

Bookmakers in the UK had McNaught equal favourite to win with Miss Colombia, Valerie Dominguez, who made the top 10, but failed to make the top 5.

Australian betting agency Centrebet had McNaught the outright favourite at 4/1 with Dominguez at 6/1 and Rivera the fourth favourite at 11/1.

It was an up and down month for McNaught, who was hoping to follow in the footsteps of Australia's 2004 Miss Universe winner, Jennifer Hawkins.

There were calls for McNaught to be dumped as Australia's representative after men's magazine Zoo Weekly unearthed and published some topless photos of McNaught.

While in the US, McNaught rubbed shoulders with Hollywood and music stars at pre-Miss Universe events. She was also invited to join Miss Universe pageant owner, billionaire New Yorker Donald Trump, on American TV talkshow Late Show with David Letterman.

McNaught was expected to stroll into the top 20 as Trump personally selected five of the top 20.

Third place went to Miss Switzerland, Lauriane Gillieron, fourth to Miss Paraguay, Lourdes Arevalos, and Miss USA, Tara Conner, was fifth.

newdating.ru funnies






See full collection on http://newdating.ru/a-humor

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Joke of the Day

Not sure if this one's been told yet/recently...

A tourist is on vacation in Pomplona, just in time for the "running of the bulls". As he strolls through the city, admiring the architecture, he spots a corner café and sits down for what he hopes will be a traditional Spanish meal. Perusing the menu, he spots a dish that sounds delicious and orders it. As he's waiting for his meal to arrive, he catches an intoxicating scent wafting over from a nearby table. Motioning to his waiter, he asks "what did that man order? It smells delicious!"

"Ahh senor, that is the fried cajones of today's bull. When the runners win, the bull is slaughtered and the cajones are considered a delicacy."
"Well that just smells great, I'd like to change my order to that," the tourist says.
"Impossible," says the waiter, "we are all out for today. Supplies go quickly."

Disappointed, the tourist eats his meal once it arrives, pays, and leaves. The following day, he returns to the same café and boldly orders the fried cajones. "Oh no, senor, you don't want that," the waiter warns. But the tourist is quite insistent and orders the cajones. As the meal arrives, the tourist eats them, motions to the waiter and complains about the taste. "This doesn't smell or taste like they did yesterday, what happened?"

"Well senor," the waiter says, "sometimes the bull wins".

Friday, June 30, 2006

Islands